Don’t bring your emotional baggage from past relationships into your marriage. This sounds like incredible advice, but how can this be translated into actionable steps? Simply knowing that you should not bring past trauma or preconceived ideas into your current relationship will only bring awareness but doesn’t prevent it from happening. How do we take this piece of advice to heart and apply it to our real lives?
Understanding Baggage
It may seem cliché to say that understanding is the first step to manifestation, but it is also true. You cannot fully eliminate heavy and harmful emotional baggage in your relationship unless you know it exists. There are two extreme views on emotional baggage.
Some people believe they are so tainted and broken that they can never be loved or suitable spouses. Other people believe that they don’t have past wounds that interfere with their current lives or have sufficiently dealt with all their past experiences and traumas. Both extremes tend to be lies that we like to tell ourselves.
I’m Too Broken
God is in the business of repairing lives, performing miracles, and overcoming obstacles. No matter what degree of brokenness you have experienced, you are not too damaged or faulty for God. He can restore and repair you even from the greatest of relationship traumas.
No matter how much abuse you have experienced or neglect you have felt, God can restore you to a healthy and productive spouse. Realize your worth in the Lord’s eyes and rely on Him to guide you through the healing process. If you feel extremely broken and tattered, it may be helpful to seek professional therapy to help unpack your emotions and contextualize your traumas.
I’ve Healed
On the other end of the extreme are people who feel as if they don’t have any baggage at all that they are carrying into their present life and relationship. They may not have had extreme trauma or may have healed from it. While this is true for some people, and only by the grace of God, it is not true for everyone who claims this.
Denying or suppressing the impact of trauma may work as a temporary coping mechanism for some people, but it is not a sustainable therapy model, especially in the context of marriage. Even those who feel that they are emotionally intelligent and baggage-free may still be carrying some habits and biases, assumptions, and coping mechanisms from their past traumas that can interfere with a current relationship.
Everyone Else
Most people realize that they carry some form of baggage into a relationship but believe they have it under submission, so it won’t interfere with their marriage. They may think that merely being aware of their trauma triggers and unhealthy behaviors is sufficient, using this awareness as an excuse not to address the root causes.
The Problem
The problem is, no matter how you feel about the impact of your past traumas and unhealthy relationship experiences, the baggage can still affect your marriage. The quiet and insidious traces of past trauma can manifest in subtle ways. Let’s look at the example of Thomas and Mercedes. Thomas has experienced betrayal and infidelity in a previous relationship but feels he has fully put those feelings of distrust in the past.
Distrust and Suspicion
This past trauma has left Thomas with trust issues that he labels as “being cautious.” Thomas may find himself questioning Mercedes’ actions and motives, even when she is innocent. If she receives a text late at night, Thomas might immediately assume the worst causing tension and arguments.
Fear of Vulnerability
Because of his past hurt, Thomas struggles to open up to Mercedes completely. He hesitates to share his deepest thoughts and fears because he subconsciously thinks that vulnerability could lead to betrayal once again.
Defensive Reactions
When triggered by situations reminiscent of his past betrayal, Thomas becomes defensive and guarded. Even innocent comments or questions from Mercedes might escalate into heated arguments as he perceives them as threats.
Projection
Thomas might unconsciously project his past experiences onto Mercedes. If his previous partner was secretive about her whereabouts, he might assume Mercedes is hiding something similar, leading to unfounded accusations.
Thomas’ unresolved trust issues create barriers to open and authentic communication and prevent emotional intimacy with Mercedes. It strains their relationship, making it challenging for both to feel secure and understood.
Solutions
Just as Thomas should seek therapy to help address the emotional baggage he has brought into the relationship, so should many other couples who are dealing with issues. Through therapy and open communication, you can navigate the negative elements in all relationships and find healing.
Christian therapy, grounded in biblical principles, offers a compassionate space for you to explore and heal from past traumas and find peace and well-being. By integrating faith with therapeutic practices, it provides guidance and support, helping you align your life with God’s teaching and find peace through His grace.
To seek help for emotional baggage in yourself or as a couple, contact our office today. The Christian therapists and counselors at our location are ready to offer the guidance and support you need.
Photos:
“Green watering“, Courtesy of Unsplash.com, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
