What Happens in Christian Marriage Counseling?

All marriages go through seasons. Some seasons are of hardship and loss, while in others the couple enjoys deep, lasting joy. There’s often no telling how long these seasons will last, or how they will be peppered throughout the marriage. Some seasons linger longer than they should, while others disappear all too quickly. Many couples usually resort to Christian marriage counseling when they hit a rough patch. It may be the last stop before the marriage breaks down entirely, and so a lot of work may be required in counseling sessions to address the issues in the marriage.

Why Christian Marriage Counseling?

Some people go for marriage counseling because there are problems that are brewing or have erupted in the marriage, and intervention is needed to save the marriage. The common issues that draw people to marriage counseling include:

• Deep disagreements around finances
• Anger management issues in one or both spouses
• Infidelity, whether it’s a temptation, a once-off, or repeated occurrence
• Substance abuse or chemical dependence by one or both spouses
• The inability to communicate effectively
• Struggles with family, whether it’s with the in-laws or in parenting your children
• One spouse losing their job, or experiencing significant health challenges such as depression, PTSD, or an anxiety disorder
• Lack of physical intimacy in the relationship
• Lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship

And so, if you find that you’re stretched beyond your capacity and are thinking of giving up on the marriage if it feels like getting a divorce may be the only remaining option and you simply haven’t the strength or skills to work through the issues, or if you are feeling emotionally distant from your spouse and you’re living as though you’re merely roommates, marriage counseling is an option you should strongly consider.

While some couples go to marriage counseling to resolve issues in the marriage, other couples go to marriage counseling like a tune-up, to keep growing their communication toolkit, to expand their coping and conflict resolution skills, invite an objective third party to help them strengthen their marriage and so much more.

Finding the Right Counselor

Couples going into counseling while under siege those going to counseling to help their marriage go from strength to strength need to find the right marriage and family therapist – one they will feel comfortable with. Your marriage counselor should be a trained and licensed therapist with graduate or postgraduate degrees and should have credentials awarded by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

They will guide you in the process – counseling works best in an environment of trust – so it is wise to do your due diligence in getting the right fit. Get recommendations from people you trust, such as your pastor, friends, and family, or your regular medical care provider, and talk with a potential counselor to ensure that you are comfortable working with them, getting the information you need so that you know how the process will work and you set realistic expectations for it.

What Happens in Christian Marriage Counseling Sessions?

Christian marriage counseling is often short-term, and it lasts anywhere from a few sessions to several months, depending on the issue you’re working on. In most cases, both spouses are involved in the counseling process, but depending on the situation, your therapist may create a treatment plan that will focus on one spouse.

When going to marriage counseling, it’s helpful for the couple to both keep an open mind, and willing to accept the idea that they may, in some way, bear responsibility for the state of the marriage. Without that openness, it’s hard to be vulnerable, make headway, or accept suggestions.

After exploring your options, you can decide which avenue will work best. Of the diverse types of therapy techniques (more on that in a moment), there are different modes in which you can receive that therapy. You might opt for couple’s therapy, where it’s just you, your spouse, and the trained and licensed therapist.

Or you could try group therapy, where you and four or five other couples who are experiencing similar difficulties are led by a therapist who’s trained to handle group therapy dynamics while you work through the issues together. This therapy can happen in person or online. Both the type of therapy and the platform you access it on have both advantages and disadvantages that you will have to weigh.

In your sessions, your therapist will work with you to address your issues and their underlying causes, whether that is by helping you to develop a new perspective that will cause your marriage to flourish, nurturing the strengths of your marriage, ending destructive behaviors, or learning to improve your communication skills and intimacy.

The counselor will talk with you, ask you questions, and listen to your responses, guiding you through periods of reflection, and helping you to listen to each other as you process your thoughts and work out their implications. Using techniques such as Emotionally Focused Therapy, which addresses damaging emotional responses and helps you develop your ability to relate to one another in healthy and productive ways, your counselor will apply the method that will best suit your unique story, needs, and goals.

If you are a Christian and you want your faith to be central to your counseling journey, Christian marriage counseling offers you a holistic approach that will utilize both Biblical wisdom and evidence-based counseling techniques that will help you receive what you need for your overall mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Depending on the issue for which you wanted counseling, you may be given exercises to perform either during the session or afterward at home. These may be things like practicing effective listening skills such as reflecting, summarizing, asking clarifying questions, paying attention to non-verbal cues, and so on.

They may be exercises to help develop emotional or sexual intimacy. In your next session, your counselor will follow up with you about how those exercises went, what you learned from them, and chart the next steps for further engagement.

Marriage counseling is a place where surprises can also occur. You might discover things about your spouse you didn’t know, and you may gain deeper insights into the dynamics of your relationship. All this needs the openness we mentioned earlier.

For example, in working through your spouse’s substance addiction, it can become clear that some of the relationship dynamics at home are triggers and worsen that addiction. While you went in thinking the focus was going to be solely on your addicted spouse, you may realize that there is a negative role you or the family may be playing in that addiction, and changes within the family support system are needed.

Conclusion

Marriage is one of the great gifts that God has given us. It’s no secret that marriage takes hard work, but it is worth it to build a fulfilling, meaningful, and lifelong connection with someone. Encountering trouble in your marriage does not spell the end.

Whatever the challenges that may come your way, Christian marriage counseling can provide you with the tools you need to address them. Christian marriage counseling takes the best of evidence-based techniques and combines them with spiritual resources and promises made available to us in Jesus Christ.

Taking the first step of acknowledging that you’re out of your depth, that you need the skills and help of an objective third party, is the first step toward restoring the health of your marriage. The next step that requires just as much, if not more courage, is to go to your counseling sessions, to stick with it even when it gets hard, to be open to seeing yourself and your spouse anew, and to be confident that the flame will continue burning.