Understanding Emotional Intimacy

Relationships are everywhere. When it comes to marriage, intimacy is the biggest part of the relationship. Intimacy happens in all of our relationships. But in marriage, there are different levels of intimacy that we need to maintain a healthy relationship with our spouse. God has designed us to crave intimacy in a healthy way. He wants us to be intimate and enjoy marriage in all aspects. Mission Viejo Christian Counseling helps couples nurture this bond and strengthen their marriage.

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:2-3, ESV

The Five Types of Intimacy

In our relationship, we experience different types of intimacy. Because we are human and complex, we can be intimate with our spouses in various ways.

Physical intimacy is the aspect of our relationship that deals with physical touch. It is not just consumed with the sexual aspect. This involves any type of touch that we may use to reflect our feelings for our spouse.

Emotional intimacy is how we connect on an emotional level with our spouse. It is how we create a sense of trust and security within our marriage.

Intellectual intimacy is shared through viewpoints and beliefs. This is the acceptance and sharing of our mindsets and thoughts.

Experiential intimacy occurs when we share experiences with our spouse. This is the ultimate form of unity within the marriage.

Spiritual intimacy is where our relationship grows as we pray and worship as a couple. We share these moments as we recognize God’s glory and goodness.

What is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is the part of your relationship with your spouse that is based on the expressions of your emotions through actions and words. It is built on trust and is one of the most vulnerable areas of a relationship. Being emotionally intimate can involve being transparent and raw with your spouse. This is how it builds trust. God wants us to be emotionally invested in each other in our marriage.

“But at the beginning of creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.  Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” – Mark 10:6-8, NIV

Ways To Build Emotional Intimacy

There are several ways you can build emotional intimacy with your spouse. The first thing to know is that you and your spouse should be intentional about building it together. God created us to be intimate. He created us to desire each other in marriage.

Plan for Intimate Times

With most households requiring two incomes, finding time to connect can be a struggle. Decide to make specific plans to meet up with your spouse for those special moments. It doesn’t have to be spectacular or involve hours of the day. But the quality of 20 minutes can change your perspective on the rest of the day.

Take Advantage of the Moment

When you find that you and your spouse have few moments to connect and whisper a sweet message of love, do it. It could be the best thing that was heard all day. One small whisper could be the biggest touch internally.

Be Open with Each Other

If you need something emotionally, share it with your spouse. Don’t wait for your spouse to guess what is going on with your emotions. If you are having moments of being afraid then share it with them. It is in these moments that you can open up a discussion that will help both of you work through the issue.

Listen Actively

Don’t just listen to hear your spouse. Listen to understand. Put away the distractions and make yourself present for the conversation. Through active listening, you can let your spouse know how much love and care about them. You show them respect.

Making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding. – Proverbs 2:2, NIV

Celebrate Who You Are To Each Other

Take time to just let your spouse know much you appreciate all that they do in your marriage. You can do this by telling them each day how much you love them.

How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights! – Song of Solomon 7:6, NIV

Work Through Difficult Times Together

In marriage, you will have hard times. God’s word tells us that we will experience hard times. Your marriage is not exempt from this. When you come together in marriage you bring stuff from the past. You have demands that keep you at work longer. Some difficulties will present themselves as you build your marriage. Learn to come together and share them intimately.

Give Them Daily Affirmations

Daily affirmations aren’t just saying how much you appreciate your spouse. Affirmations let them know that you noticed something that was done. It shows your spouse that you do pay attention and that you notice all the things they do. Affirmations can also help encourage them in who they are as a child of God.

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV

Allow Vulnerability

When you are sharing yourself emotionally you are also setting up yourself to be vulnerable. You are opening yourself up in a way that only your spouse can know. It’s okay to be vulnerable with each other.

Don’t Use Sexual Intimacy to Replace Emotional Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is not the same as emotional intimacy. Even though many emotions can be present during sexual intimacy, don’t allow sexual intimacy to take the place of an emotional connection with your spouse. It is important to maintain both.

Show Your Spouse That You Truly Care

When you spend time with your spouse let them know that there are no other distractions. Whether you are shopping or watching a movie let them see that your focus is on them.

Remember the Good Times

When you take time to remember the good moments in your marriage you are remembering why you and your spouse have become invested in your marriage.

Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. – Ecclesiastes 9:9, NIV

Treasure Them for the Gift They Are

Take time to let your spouse know that they are a gift to you in life. Let them know they are the blessing that you never expected. When you let your spouse know that you don’t want to do life without them it will impact the connection that you are building.

Try Something New Together

There is nothing better than trying something new together. When you and your spouse decide to try something new it becomes a new adventure. It becomes a chance to embrace the special moments that allow you to face the challenge together with the same excitement.

Allow Yourself to Be Seen

Remove all pretense and let your spouse see you for who you truly are. No more hiding the things that make you feel inadequate. Share everything with your spouse. This is being real, raw, and vulnerable.

But you, O Lord, know me; you see me, and test my heart toward you. – Jeremiah 12:3, ESV

Outside Help Is a Phone Call Away

If you and your spouse feel like you just can get to the point of being able to be emotionally intimate, don’t hesitate to call a Christian counselor. They have faith-based techniques to help you become the husband and wife that God has designed you to be. The Christian counselors at Mission Viejo Christian Counseling are here to help you develop the emotional intimacy your marriage deserves. Call us today for help.