I Had an Affair: What Do I Do Now?

Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce in the United States. Around 40% of divorces cite infidelity as the reason why spouses decided to end their marriage. It’s clear why this would be the case, despite society’s changes in social mores around sex and sexuality. Infidelity, whether it has physical dimensions or is emotional, hits at the heart of the relationship.

There is a boundary that every couple draws around their relationship, with the two of them inside the circle and the rest of the world outside it. This boundary varies from couple to couple, and what counts as a violation of that boundary will differ in each situation.

For most couples, sexual and emotional intimacy is a clear boundary – it is meant to be enjoyed by the couple, “forsaking all others” as the vows say. When infidelity happens, it violates the trust and boundaries of the relationship, and it is difficult to rebuild trust once broken.

Nothing is unalterably beyond repair, even a marriage rocked by infidelity. God can do even more than we can think to ask or imagine, and that includes bringing a couple together after an affair. For the couple willing to reengage and work at their relationship, an affair, though tragic, can herald the start of a renewed marriage that is stronger and more vibrant than before.

“I Had an Affair. What Do I Do Now?”

What then do you do when you’ve had an affair? There is any number of things one could and should do in the aftermath of an affair. As each set of circumstances is different, the following doesn’t necessarily outline a rigid step-by-step process of what happens next. It simply highlights essential elements that would form part of a response to the situation that honors both God and your spouse.

Confess it to the Lord.

Sometimes when we do something wrong, we feel convicted about it at once. We may have felt the Spirit challenging or prompting us a certain way before we did even it, but we ignored or dismissed His voice. In other cases, we may come to our senses much later and realize the enormity of what we did. Whatever the situation, it’s important to confess what we’ve done to the Lord.

Psalm 51, which David penned, is a confession where he owns up to how he sinned against the Lord in what he did by having an affair with someone else’s wife. God takes marriage seriously, whether it’s our own or someone else’s. If you have an affair, it matters to God because he cares about what it’s doing to you, your marriage, and your spouse. Go before the Lord and own up to what you did.

Protect your spouse.

Though it may seem like it’s too late to be thinking about your spouse after you’ve already had an affair, that isn’t the case. It’s never too late to think about your spouse and take steps to protect them.

One way you can try and protect your spouse, especially if the affair was recent and involved sexual intercourse, is to refrain from sex with your spouse and first taking practical steps such as getting tested for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). That way, you don’t inadvertently pass anything on to your spouse from your previous sexual contact.

End the affair.

If you haven’t already, take steps and end the affair. If it was a once-off encounter, take steps to ensure that you have no further contact with the person. Whether you were discovered or not, end the affair. Part of confessing our wrongdoing to the Lord is to then take active measures to ensure that we don’t repeat the same mistakes.

Otherwise, our confession seems hollow. Depending on the situation, the steps one must take to cut off further contact with the person you had an affair with may be more involved. If you had an affair with a work colleague, you may have to consider being transferred to another division or applying for a new job elsewhere.

Whether it was an emotional or physical affair, be prepared to take steps such as deleting their contact details such as phone numbers, email or other addresses, and any apps or services you may have used to contact them. Some of this, especially the deletion of messages, should be done in full view of and with your spouse.

This is important for two reasons – it shows your spouse that you’re serious about cutting off ties, and it’s also about accountability. Some spouses may want to see the messages, as it helps them to understand what was going on, and the depths of it. Not deleting the messages you sent gives your spouse the option to ask you for specifics.

Tell your spouse.

Whether your affair was discovered or not, it’s important to tell your spouse what happened. Make yourself available to answer questions, accept the fact, and be prepared that there will be a variety of possible emotional responses from your spouse, ranging from anger, disgust, confusion, hurt, grief, and more.

Apologize sincerely, own what you did, and refuse to make excuses for what happened. If they need space to process what happened and what it means for your relationship, give them the space they need to do that.

Be prepared to take drastic steps.

When an affair happens, it dramatically intrudes on a relationship. To begin to set things right and start rebuilding trust and the emotional connection with your spouse, it will take time and a lot of hard work. As we pointed out earlier, you must be prepared to take drastic steps to restore your relationships.

If it means changing jobs or moving to a new city to start afresh, a willingness to take such steps will go a long way. Because an affair violates trust, that too may drastically shift how things work in your relationship. Where before you may have kept your email and other passwords private, you may now have to be more transparent and give your spouse access to your devices such as your phone, laptop, and tablet.

You may have to use the family computer that everyone can access and see. When you text your spouse, you may need to send a location pin to verify your current location, or you may need to FaceTime them so they can see for themselves that you are where you say you are.

You may need to give them access to your car’s GPS so that they can confirm your movements, and access to your finances so they can see what you’re spending money on. Rebuilding shattered trust is demanding work and taking steps that would otherwise have been seen as intrusive is one way to do so.

Go for counseling.

To rebuild your marriage and deal with the underlying causes of the affair, it’s important to have a safe emotional space within which to do that work. At the very least, as the person who had the affair, you need to go for individual therapy to address why you did it.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a form of talk therapy in which a trained therapist helps you to unearth unhelpful or negative patterns of thought and behavior that lead to situations like infidelity. There are many reasons why people have affairs and talking things through with a trained professional will help you understand what happened and why, as well as giving you the tools to start thinking and acting in ways that promote the health of your relationships.

Sometimes an affair happens because one spouse is looking to fulfill a legitimate need that isn’t being met in the marriage despite efforts to have that need be addressed. In this way, the victim of the affair isn’t necessarily the victim of the marriage. The complex dynamics of marriage will require a safe space to be unpacked.

Couples therapy is one such space. If a couple is willing, going for therapy will help them work through their questions, fears, and frustrations. It will also give them the tools they need to process what has happened and to rebuild their relationship on a stronger foundation if they choose to do so.