How to Practice Active Listening

Between emails, phone calls, in-person meetings, FaceTime and Zoom calls, online conferences, text messages, and our day-to-day interactions, we certainly communicate a lot in the 21^st century. With myriad platforms on which to share our thoughts and views on every issue under the sun, being able to express ourselves has never been easier.

We all want to be heard, and often we figure that the best way to get that done is to be assertive (aggressive?) and put our views out there as clearly and as loudly as possible. In wanting to be heard, we often overlook the possibility that others have a similar desire, and that one way for us to become better communicators whose words receive a warm reception from hearers is for us to become better listeners.

Active or engaged listening is a conscious posture to pay close attention to what the other person is saying. It is a form of listening that leaves the other person feeling heard and valued because of how you handle the conversation. Active listening draws you in to be a participant in the conversation – it is starkly different from passive listening where you don’t engage or interact meaningfully with what is being said.

Active listening is different from critical listening. When you listen critically, you listen to evaluate what the other person is saying, and you listen to understand the problem to generate a solution that attempts to solve the problem for them.

Critical listening is appropriate in circumstances such as when weighing options to make a decision. With active listening, which can be used more broadly, you’re simply listening to someone as they express themselves and giving them room to process their thoughts.

This is a skill like what trained therapists do with their clients. You are merely functioning as a sounding board for them, and at the end of it, they may solve their own problem if that’s why they came to you.

What are the uses of active listening?

What are some of the ways active listening can help you in your communication? As active listening allows you to hear what is being said by someone, and it leaves them feeling heard and valued, it has tremendous potential to improve your personal and professional interactions.

Great listeners are often some of the best conversationalists, so being able to listen well can improve your ability to navigate social situations. Being an introvert is not an obstacle to listening well. If you’re able to listen well, that also helps you to be a more empathetic partner in a relationship.

Applying great active listening skills in your working life can propel you to become a better team leader and negotiator. Active listening is a time and resource saver in the workplace. If there are no misunderstandings about what needs doing and by whom, it avoids time-wasting when it comes to tasks and projects. Additionally, if people know you are a good listener, that builds trust and makes you more approachable.

The enemies of active listening

Sometimes, unconscious habits get in the way of being a good listener. Or you may be conscious that you do these things, but you’re not aware that it makes one a poor listener. Being a good listener involves making deliberate choices to be present in the moment so that you properly appreciate and hear what is said. A few habits that work against good listening include:

Interrupting. Interrupting the other person can communicate impatience, or that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say. Interrupting also often has the side-effect of rushing the other person. As people work through their thoughts and words, often their last sentence may clarify or shift the meaning of what they are saying. if you interrupt them, you won’t get there, and that also leads to the next habit.

Being closed-minded and reaching hasty conclusions. Often, when we engage in a conversation with someone and we make assumptions about them and what they are saying, we aren’t actually listening to them. Jumping to conclusions closes off opportunities to hear them out.

Being distracted. If someone is talking to you and you have headphones on, or your eyes are on the TV, or your attention is drawn to your phone or laptop, that’s a recipe for distraction. Even if you’re not distracted by the input from those devices, it looks like you’re not paying attention. Part of leaving someone feeling like they’ve been heard is for them to feel like they had your undivided attention.

Not giving eye contact. If you’re distracted by other things, that usually means you’re not making eye contact with the person. Maintaining eye contact for about 60 -70% of the time during your conversation conveys and facilitates paying attention.

Not responding to non-verbal cues. People use their words to communicate. They also use their tone of voice, facial expressions, body posture, and hand gestures to communicate. When you pay attention, respond to the verbal cues, and ignore the non-verbal cues, you potentially forfeit understanding the full breadth of what they mean.

If your partner says, “I’m fine” in response to your inquiry, and yet they have their arms crossed, it’s unlikely they’re really fine. If you acknowledge and respond only to their words, you’ve missed out on entire layers of meaning.

Having poor non-verbal cues. In addition to paying attention to the other person’s non-verbal cues, we need to pay attention to our own. If your body is facing away from the speaker, or you’re pacing and wringing your hands as they speak, all of that is speaking volumes. Your body posture, what you do with your hands, whether you’re frowning, and so forth, all convey meaning and you need to be careful of what you are saying.

How to listen actively

Knowing what not to do is a major part of the battle. It’s even more important to know what to do and to practice doing it so that you can become a better listener. What are some of the ways to become an active listener? Pay attention in your day-to-day exchanges with people. Try putting these tips into practice for a week or two. Practicing these behaviors will help you become an active listener who pays attention and leaves others feeling heard.

Remember. If it’s not the first time you’ve had a conversation with someone, remembering keys details from past conversations and simple things such as the speaker’s name helps to reinforce the idea that you were paying attention and you understood what was said.

Reflect. Reflecting means saying back to them what you’ve heard them say. You are paraphrasing their words to make sure you’ve grasped their meaning. You can use phrases such as, “So what you are saying is…” This gives the speaker regular feedback.

Summarize. After the person has finished saying their piece, summarize what they’ve just said to ensure that you got the main points of what they wanted to say.

Don’t interrupt. Let the other person finish what they want to say, and don’t spend the time while they’re speaking formulating your response.

Asking clarifying questions. Ask them open-ended questions to clarify what they are saying. An open-ended question is one that needs a longer response than a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.

Be open-minded. The point of active listening is to hear the person out. Withhold judgment and listen patiently, even if you don’t like what you’re hearing. Let them express themselves fully and get their point across before you interject.

Mind your and their body language. While you listen, pay attention to your body language. Are you leaning in as they speak? are you giving them eye contact? Positive body language such as nodding, smiling, leaning forward, and maintaining eye contact while they speak let the speaker know that you are listening. Noting and responding to their non-verbal cues shows that you are paying attention to the entirety of what they’re saying.

Conclusion

Being a good listener is a blessing for you and for the people you interact with. Being open-minded as you listen not only allows people to express themselves freely, but it also allows you to grow and broaden your perspectives.

Hearing people out provides you space to think of things from another angle, and it accords value to them as beings made in God’s image. In a world where speaking and vying to be heard seem to be the norm, the words of James 1:19 that, “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” have never been more appropriate to cultivate as a Christian virtue.