How to Forgive Others When Unforgiveness Looms Large

If you spend time with someone for any length of time, you’ll realize quickly enough that you and they make mistakes that can cause harm to others. Some of these mistakes are just that – mistakes. But it’s also true that some of the things we do that harm others are intentional, and we do them for reasons as varied as self-preservation, greed, or deep self-interest.

When we say or do something that hurts others, breaks trust, or otherwise puts the future of the relationship into grave doubt, what happens next can’t be predicted. Often, people will walk away as soon as we offend them in some way. They may do so out of the need to protect themselves, or they may walk away because processing the hurt is a lot of work, and the relationship simply isn’t worth preserving.

The place of forgiveness in relationships

One of the ways to help deal with someone hurting you is to learn how to forgive them. Forgiving someone of wrongdoing is likely one of the hardest things to do in a relationship, whether you’ve known them for ten minutes, or several decades. When we’ve been hurt, it can make us feel powerless. Holding onto unforgiveness and nurturing the anger we harbor toward that person can feel like a way to regain the power we’ve lost.

To be frank, forgiving someone will often feel like they’re being let off the hook when what we want to happen is for them to remain on that hook and squirm a little. You’re hurt, and you want them to feel some of that hurt, too. Forgiveness is so counterintuitive, and it is one of Jesus’ most radical and challenging teachings.

Learning how to forgive

There are many reasons why it can be challenging to forgive someone, especially when they’ve hurt you deeply, or if they’ve hurt you repeatedly. Offering forgiveness may feel like a deep self-betrayal, or tantamount to saying everything is okay. The first thing to do is to understand that forgiveness isn’t any of these things. It’s not for the other person – forgiveness is for you, for your own sake.

Learning how to forgive someone who harmed you can be challenging, especially when unforgiveness feels overwhelming. You aren’t alone in this. Many others have struggled in the same way. Here are some steps to take, and some things to consider that may help you to forgive someone:

Acknowledge your feelings

Don’t deny the fact that you feel hurt, angry, betrayed, taken advantage of, or fragile. Acknowledge, name, and validate what you’re feeling. As you do so, however, you should also remind yourself that unforgiveness can consume you, and it can affect your physical, mental and emotional health.

Take time to reflect on the hurt, identifying how you were hurt and the way it affected you, but refuse to dwell on it.

Let go of the need for vengeance

A natural impulse when someone injures us is to want them to get justice in whatever way we define justice at that moment. We might not have a clear-eyed perspective on what should happen to them as recompense for what they did to us. This is why Scripture calls us to leave it to God to pay them back (Romans 12:14-21).

Understand that forgiveness doesn’t mean that the other person and their behavior are being excused, but rather that you’re releasing them from the debt they owe you. You are unburdening your own heart from needing to hold onto that debt and the desire to pay them back their misdeeds.

Practice empathy

It can be exceptionally difficult, but try to see things from the other person’s perspective and take a step back to consider their humanity. They may not have considered you, but you don’t have to pay them back in kind.

Practice self-care

In processing the hurt you’ve experienced, don’t neglect yourself. Be sure to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Cultivate gratitude

Part of how you can take care of yourself and maintain good mental health is to keep an eye on the good things that are in your life and to express gratitude for them.

Consider God’s forgiveness

While He was on the cross and being mocked, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34, ESV). Take time to reflect on God’s forgiveness toward you through Jesus and extend that grace and forgiveness to others (Ephesians 4:31-32; Matthew 6:9-15).

Choose to forgive

Forgiveness is an act of the will. To forgive someone, you need to make a conscious decision to release the hurt and let go of feelings of bitterness and resentment. You might not feel warm toward them, and you may find yourself needing to make this decision again tomorrow, but forgiveness is a journey.

Set boundaries

For your own well-being, it may be necessary to establish boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. Forgiveness doesn’t mean suspending accountability.

Seek support

When you’ve been hurt, you can feel isolated. Instead of struggling alone, talk about your experiences with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. This support is invaluable to help you process your experience, put things into perspective, and to help you remain firm in your decision to walk in forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a process and a journey, and it may take time for your heart to follow your decision to forgive the one who hurt you. Give yourself room to wrestle and be patient and kind to yourself as you walk in the path of forgiveness.

When you need help learning how to forgive, a Christian counselor in Mission Viejo, California can help. Call our office today at Mission Viejo Christian Counseling in California to schedule your first appointment.