Codependency Red Flags

Codependency affects all types of relationships, from parental, to professional, to romantic. It’s not always easy to know when a relationship has become codependent. It is a dynamic that is crafted slowly over time, where two people test each other’s boundaries to the point that they become entirely reliant on each other.

Most of the time people feel safe in these codependent relationships and they don’t want to change the dynamic. However, staying in codependence will cause a host of potential problems surrounding intimacy and personal growth.

The Problem with Codependency

Many young adult novels and love songs package and sell codependent ideas as romance. It’s not hard to tell the appeal behind statements like, “I can’t live without you,” and “You give my life meaning.” These notions are reflections of codependency. It is when two people have become so reliant on the other that they cannot function properly alone.

There is usually a victim-and-rescuer dynamic, with the victim deriving their self-worth from being “rescued” and the other deriving self-worth from being the hero. When you peel back the layers of codependency, you find a kind of addiction; both parties are addicted to the attention they get from the other despite the power imbalance between them.

Red Flags

Codependency often involves a fair amount of manipulation and indirect communication. This means that a codependent dynamic may have developed in a relationship without either party realizing it. More often than not, though, there are signs that point out just how unhealthy a relationship has become. Here are some codependency red flags to look out for:

Resentment at independence

When one person becomes upset that the other has spent time doing something without them, it is an indicator that the dynamic has become codependent. You might feel hurt or betrayed that they spent time with another friend, or doing something without you. This is never the case with healthy friendships or relationships.

Pressure to spend time together

People are entitled to their own space and are free to make their own choices. This should not be a difficult concept, even in a marriage or romantic relationship, much less a platonic friendship. You might miss your friends and long to spend time with them, but it’s unhealthy when there is pressure to spend time together.

Tit-for-tat emotional support

Receiving support from friends, family, or significant others should not be contingent upon how much support you have shown them. Similarly, just because you came through for them does not mean they owe you one. Family, friendships, and romantic relationships should never be transactional.

Use of guilt and shame to remain connected

Parents will often make jabs about not seeing their children enough, but some will guilt their children into spending time with them. This isn’t healthy and might be the entire reason they are reluctant to spend time together. This kind of guilting or shaming has no place in a healthy relationship.

Over-involvement with each other’s activities

Close people will naturally share interests and be involved in each other’s lives to a point. When it starts to feel like they see themselves as entitled to information about your activities and inner thoughts and emotions, something is not right. Even spouses are entitled to their privacy, much less friends or family members to theirs.

Unfair demands for loyalty

Spending time with another friend or doing something alone is not disloyal. Similarly, you do not owe allegiance to a friend or lover when their behavior is problematic. True friends will keep their loved ones accountable for their actions, and that is a powerful display of loyalty.

There is little space for self-expression

Good friends will share interests, have similar preferences and points of view, and might share a lot of the same experiences if they spend a lot of time together. However, each one must have their own identity. It is called “enmeshment” when two people become so close that they are difficult to distinguish from the other, and this is what happens in many codependent dynamics.

Help with Untangling Codependent Relationships

If you would like to begin taking steps away from codependency in your life, or if you need support to confront a codependent person, counseling is suggested. Call our office today at Mission Viejo Christian Counseling and we can match you with a Christian counselor in Mission Viejo, California. They can walk with you as you overcome whatever unhealthy dynamics you have in your relationships.